It’s weird (I think) that as children, we probably said ‘NO’ alot!! We had no trouble WHAT-SO-EVER saying it- especially when our parents, siblings or important others were telling us something that we stubbornly didn’t want to do……in my case, having a sister 7 years older and brother 10 years older the word ‘NO’ usually revolved around the times of being told ‘to go to bed!!’. Strange again that now as adults, I cannot wait to go to bed, get some sleep and long to stay in bed in the morning….
So when did everything change? When was it as children, teens or adults we learnt the opposite? Did lives get busier so we all of a sudden needed more sleep? Did we once get told to say ‘YES’ to every opportunity as the opportunities may end one day??
For me, I find saying ‘No’ extremely difficult…..I pondered on this on my way to work today.
Like many, I have had a crazy few weeks of long hours and weekend work. And as I grumbled and moaned about it to myself, I realised that I only had me to blame. As I thought about the pizza that I had eaten at the weekend, sabotaging weight loss because my mate was getting one, I realised that I could of just said ‘No’ – like to so many of my food options in the past. When I think of the extra-activities I am involved in, whether sports, committees, this blog even, which part of me said ‘Yes’ to those and struggled to say ‘No’ to others….and has saying ‘Yes’ to those actually helped me…..OR others?
Through all of this pondering, I came to some conclusions….finding difficulty in saying ‘NO’ can be learnt from ‘societal norms’, ‘family values’, ‘fear of retribution’, ‘boundary issues’, a ‘lack of self-trust’…..so many things….but in order for it to have been learnt, it can also be un-learnt…..or adapted.
Take family values for example – my Mum (bless her cotton socks) is not great at saying ‘NO’, in fact, I would say that she is worse than me. BUT I am pretty sure my emphasis for saying ‘YES’ is deeply cemented in the teachings I gained from my Mama, and having spoken to her, she gained it from her Mum.
On the one hand – I am HUGELY grateful for this – I believe it has taught me to try new things, to go on adventures, to open new doors, driven me to succeed in work and education……by being open to saying ‘YES’ actually, in some respects, takes away the fear that a ‘NO’ can be drawn from.
However, on the other hand, it has meant a limited work-life balance, double-bookings and looking disorganised, failed marriages, illness…..
I guess what I am saying is that, like anything in life, there HAS to be balance – a Yin and a Yan – because without it, we don’t truly experience the fullness of the situation. I wonder how many times you have said ‘YES’ when you meant ‘NO’ and why you feel that might be??
For my personal growth (and sanity :-)) I need to learn the essence of saying ‘No Thankyou’ – free from guilt, rhyme or reason – just simply saying ‘NO’ because there is something to gain from that too!!
7 Simple Ways To Say “No” then avoid it altogether, it’s all about learning the right way to say no.
After I began to say no to others, I realised it’s really not as bad as I thought. The other people were very understanding and didn’t put up any resistance. Really, the fears of saying no are just in our mind.If you are not sure how to do so, here are 7 simple ways for you to say no. Use the method that best meets your needs in the situation.
1. “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”If you are too busy to engage in the request/offer, this will be applicable. This lets the person know your plate is full at the moment, so he/she should hold off on this as well as future requests. If it makes it easier, you can also share what you’re working on so the person can understand better. I use this when I have too many commitments to attend to.
2. “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?”It’s common to get sudden requests for help when you are in the middle of something. Sometimes I get phone calls from friends or associates when I’m in a meeting or doing important work. This method is a great way to (temporarily) hold off the request. First, you let the person know it’s not a good time as you are doing something. Secondly, you make known your desire to help by suggesting another time (at your convenience). This way, the person doesn’t feel blown off.
3. “I’d love to do this, but …”I often use this as it’s a gentle way of breaking no to the other party. It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea (of course, only say this if you do like it) and there’s nothing wrong about it. I often get collaboration proposals from fellow bloggers and business associates which I can’t participate in and I use this method to gently say no. Their ideas are absolutely great, but I can’t take part due to other reasons such as prior commitments (#1) or different needs (#5).
4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”This is more like a “Maybe” than a straight out “No”. If you are interested but you don’t want to say ‘yes’ just yet, use this. Sometimes I’m pitched a great idea which meets my needs, but I want to hold off on committing as I want some time to think first. There are times when new considerations pop in and I want to be certain of the decision before committing myself. If the person is sincere about the request, he/she will be more than happy to wait a short while. Specify a date / time-range (say, in 1-2 weeks) where the person can expect a reply.If you’re not interested in what the person has to offer at all, don’t lead him/her on. Use methods #5, #6 or #7 which are definitive.
5. “This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”If someone is pitching a deal/opportunity which isn’t what you are looking for, let him/her know straight-out that it doesn’t meet your needs. Otherwise, the discussion can drag on longer than it should. It helps as the person know it’s nothing wrong about what he/she is offering, but that you are looking for something else. At the same time, by saying you’ll keep him/her in mind, it signals you are open to future opportunities.
6. “I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”If you are being asked for help in something which you (i) can’t contribute much to (ii) don’t have resources to help, let it be known they are looking at the wrong person. If possible, refer them to a lead they can follow-up on – whether it’s someone you know, someone who might know someone else, or even a department. I always make it a point to offer an alternate contact so the person doesn’t end up in a dead end. This way you help steer the person in the right place.
7. “No, I can’t.”The simplest and most direct way to say no. We build up too many barriers in our mind to saying no. As I shared earlier in this article, these barriers are self-created and they are not true at all. Don’t think so much about saying no and just say it outright. You’ll be surprised when the reception isn’t half as bad as what you imagined it to be.Learn to say no to requests that don’t meet your needs, and once you do that you’ll find how easy it actually is. You’ll get more time for yourself, your work and things that are most important to you. I know I do and I’m happy I started doing that.