You may have seen the blog I wrote earlier about “What to do when you don’t know what to do”
Truth is, that was me, and on some days, it still is me.
Many coaches, or even therapists and PTs, like to give the impression that they have got their shit together. Afterall, it is a great selling pitch to have a role model to aspire to.
But I have found that being and showing your human side has far more depth and meaning when it comes to connecting with clients or any person.
Over the last four years, my partner (now wife) and I have tried and failed at IVF. We have experienced four very tough rounds of the IVF process. I won’t go into the details of that today but a concoction of managing IVF grief, with starting a new life, home, charity. business and then setting up new premises for that business in the space of those 4-years all stopped me in my tracks.
Having spent years reducing my weight from a size 20 down to a size 12, I found myself back in the land of the 20s. A mixture of emotional eating and the bodies crazy responses to IVF, left me back in a body-space that I actually connected with for comfort, safety and solace.
So there I was, knowing full well that I wanted to and needed to make drastic changes to my body and health. IVF had been placed on the back-burner for a while, but we were also looking at and exploring alternative parenting options. This meant the need to address personal health and return to a healthy weight was really something I needed and wanted to do for me as well as for a potential little person running around the house in the future.
But finding my way back to a focused eating plan and movement plan was something my brain just wasn’t ready to tap into.
There I was, waking up in the morning, knowing exactly what it was I needed to do and wanted to do, with the words ringing through my mind of “I should know this. I should be able to do this. I don’t know what to do to change this anymore”
The tears started to roll down my face, one of frustration, pain and longing for the battle of the body to be easier. But here I was again. “How could you do this to yourself - AGAIN!?”
I am so extremely fortunate in my life to have received some incredible coaching and therapy from a Golden Wizard. I heard her voice in my head “this too shall pass, but don’t fight it, sit with it”.
So, I let the tears flow. I challenged myself:
Firstly, on my “should” thinking. Why would I place myself above ANYONE else as knowing or being better? By being human and feeling, I am living the daily “stuff” to be of best use to help those in need around me.
Secondly, I do know what to do to change this. But my reasons and relationship to health, nutrition and exercise has been somewhat jaded in a whole heap of emotional past and confusion. Is it any wonder my brain is fearful of going back there?
Thirdly, my brain remembers how long it took to change before. And regardless of the work completed on my thinking and deeper level learning, my brain is still adverse to hard-work and will look for ease wherever possible. The hardwood is beneficial but takes time, patience, compassion and challenge to take those steps.
Lastly, I did this to myself. Take ownership of it BUT also the understanding of the benefits it gave you at the time. It allowed me to physically create a space between my past and present that soothed my mind (although not the healthiest of approaches). It allowed me to receive comfort and compassion in the old ways I knew. It allowed me to explore IVF. It allowed me to still walk, talk, work, move and more - although not to its optimum level, it has still done all of those things.
You might be wondering, why am I telling you this and what has one coach's connection to human-living, weight loss, body image and “meh” moments got to do with me.
It’s saying - we are human and it really is okay to have those moments of feeling lost, hurt, frustrated and seeking answers.
As always, the wizard was right, the deeper level pain did pass and now, slowly but surely, I am starting to figure out what is working for me to get my health and body back on track.
So, if you are reading this and have been in a space of beating yourself up. Trust me, I get it. We all trip sometimes.
And as much as people say, the important thing is get back up….
Also know it is okay to stay on the ground and make snow angels whilst you figure out your next step (hopefully there is snow to make those angels, but if not, just chilling also works :) )
Be kind and compassionate to yourself.
